Kohl was a nurse at the 71st Evac Hospital in Pleiku RVN, serving in the operating room. She arrived in Vietnam in June, 1969.

What was your term during the Vietnam War?

June 12, 1969-June 11, 1970

How old were you?

I was 22 years old.

Being a woman over there, did you get drafted or was it something you wanted to do?

Neither, I was lied to.

How so?

I was in my last year of nursing school, and it was in the spring. We were ready to graduate and one of the girls (it was on a weekend and there were three or four of us in the lounge) came in. I forgot if she had just talked to a recruiter or if she started dating one, I can’t remember; but she came in all excited and she told us all about this wonderful opportunity in the army. We would go in as officers because we would be graduating, and we would have our choice of duty stations. Well, we decided to go down and talk to the recruiter, so we did. I had some friends that had just gotten back from Vietnam and they said, “You don’t want to be over there, it’s not what you think it is, so you don’t want to go there.” So, I asked him about my chances of going over and he said, “Absolutely none unless you volunteer; since you’re a female, they can not send you unless you volunteer.” So, we told him we would think about it. About a week later he called, and said that that weekend they were going on maneuvers to Florida and he asked if we wanted to go along. It was four girls and a hard decision. So, we flew down to Florida with them and they wined and dined us and we thought this would be great. He kept on telling us about Ft. Ord, wonderful Ft. Ord in California, right on the beach. He just made it sound so glamorous. So, again I asked about going to Vietnam and again he said, “Absolutely no way unless you volunteer.” The other three girls joined. I had reservations yet. I still wasn’t sure. I waited and talked to him some more, and he kept on insisting that there was no way unless I volunteered, and I knew that I wasn’t going to volunteer, so I finally joined. We went to Ft. Sam in San Antonio, TX for basic training, and then we went to Ft. Ord. The four of us went to Ft. Ord. They kept telling us about it. We thought, right on the beach and everything, it sounded really nice. We went and within a month I got orders for Vietnam. So, I went to my commanding officer and I explained the situation and said there had been a mistake. She just sat there grinning and said, “Do you have that in writing somewhere Lieutenant?” No, I didn’t. Within another month the other girls all had their orders, too. Then, the girl who talked all of us into joining went AWOL, got pregnant, and was out of the service. The other three of us were sent to sunny Vietnam, and she was out! I went because I was lied to, and I thought I was the only one until I went to the dedication of the Women’s Memorial in Washington D.C. in ‘93. I ran into several women, and they were from all over: from California, from Florida, they were from all over, and several of them had the same story. We decided that the recruiters all go to the same recruiter school, and they were told how to tell the same lies.

So when you finally made it over to Vietnam, where about were you stationed?

Cindy and I went over together, and Sharon came over later. We thought that at least we would be together, but when we got over there they separated us and sent us to two different places. I was sent to the 71st Evacuation Hospital in Pleiku, the Central Highlands. The first thing I remember is, before even getting off the plane, when they opened the door there was this smell. It was just a horrible smell. Then we started going down the stairs and there was this POP, POP, POP and people started running all over, people were pushing us down, and hollering and screaming…telling us to run over to this one building. We were under small arms attack. It hit us this was for real. We had to stay over night at Nha Trang. We talked to the nurses there and they were telling us all this horrible stuff. The next day Cindy got sent to one place and I got sent to the other. The chopper in front of me got shot down (Cindy wasn’t in it). When I got to Pleiku it was too late to get my orders. I had to wait until the next morning. They took me to my hooch, which is a wooden structure. There were seven of us and then there was a little room that had a shower (cold water), a sink, and a toilet. Some of the girls were talking to me and said the 71st started out as tents and then went to a wooden structure. They realized that they would be there longer and they became more permanent with sidewalks and stuff. We were sitting out (there were some little steps) talking and the next thing that I knew, I heard this whistle and a thump. Everyone was gone. I was there by myself. Where did everybody go? Then one girl, Lynda Van Devanter (who wrote the book Home Before Morning) came out and she grabbed me and pushing me says, “Get under a bunk, any bunk, it doesn’t matter, we are under rocket attack.” The next morning I went to get my orders. My M.O.S., which is your military occupational specialty, was post-op nursing. I had a whole three months orientation to that. So I thought that was what I would be doing. They told me that I would have to go to surgery because they needed somebody there. Well, in order to be in surgery in Vietnam you were supposed to have had at least a one-year OR course in the military for combat nursing, or have worked in an OR for three years in a civilian hospital, and I didn’t have either. Besides that, I had had a very bad experience in nursing school in surgery. When they said I had to go to surgery that was traumatic right there. When I got there, I was told to put on a mask and gown and just watch this case. It was a real bad case. He had already lost a leg and an arm; he had over 100 pints of blood already. There was a surgeon working on his stomach and one was doing repair on the leg and one was working on his head. He was a really bad case. So I was just supposed to watch and see how they were doing things. I was there about five minutes and the surgeon looked up and he saw me just standing there (I was in a mask and gown, so he didn’t know who I was, and he didn’t know that was what I was supposed to be doing). He threw a scissors at me and just hollered, “Don’t just stand there, he is going to lose that arm anyway, so cut it off.” It was just hanging there by a tendon, so I had to cut it off. That was my first five minutes there. It was probably my first forty-eight hours that gave me post-traumatic stress. It was down hill after that.

What was your main job?

I was an operating room nurse. I started out doing circulating. As a circulator, you set up and tone down cases, got the case started, and ran for needed supplies, etc. We often had “pushes” where a chinook would land carrying 100 or more patients. When you heard one of those coming, you might have just put in a 12-hour-shift and  were on your way back to your hooch you turned right around and went right back. We didn’t have enough surgeons, so when that happened, during the “push” the nurses and even some of the techs had to do some of the minor surgeries by themselves.

What are techs?

Operating room technicians (corpsmen). We had to do some of the debridements some of the minor cases by ourselves. That for me was very hard because I really didn’t know what to do. I knew my basic anatomy and physiology, but I often wondered if I did more harm than good…if someone’s walking around or not walking around because of something that I did.

Did you have to decide whether or not a patient was going to make it?

No, I never had to do that. That was done in the ER. Nurses and doctors there had to make those decisions. When we had a “push”, they had to divide patients into three categories: the most critical that they felt would make it, the less critical (who would make it), and then the ones who were so severe that they didn’t have a chance. They set them over in the corner. You only had so many staff available, and it was impossible to save everyone.

How many nurses or technicians did you have working in one unit?

During the day there would be maybe three or four nurses and a tech for each one. At night you were always by yourself as the charge nurse and you had a couple of techs. That was it.

Do you remember any certain patients?

We got the patients right from the field. They came from the field to us first. Then once they got stabilized they would go to a safer area. Then from there they usually went to Cam Ranh Bay. Then from there, if they were stable enough to travel, they would go to Japan, and then from Japan, once they were well enough to make the trip to the States, they went to the States. The hardest part was we never knew if they lived or died…if our hard work was a success or in vain. We got everything! There were a lot of burn patients, (a lot of choppers shot down) and they would be really bad. We had to make up names and make a joke out of it in order to deal with it. So like we would say, “Oh, a crispy critter’s coming in,” or a “Horendoplasty.” It was just a way to stay sane. Then we got casualties that were Montagnards (the Montagnards are the mountain people of Vietnam). They were in the Central Highlands by us, so we often had to deal with a lot of the civilians around the area. We also had camp Enari by us (the 4th Division), we had an Air Force base by us, and a MARS unit and we had to take care of those patients. Periodically we would get POW’s (prisoners of war) that we would have to do surgery on.

Was that hard for you?

It was hard because there were a couple times during a “push” they made us stop working on the GI’s, our guys, to get this guy in because they wanted to be able to interrogate him, so they wanted him done first. Then, when they got done interrogating him, they killed him anyway. In the mean time, we had guys who died because they couldn’t get in because we were operating on him. Some of the people refused  to stop working on the GI’s and they were threatened with court marshals. It was hard. It was very hard.

What was it like being a woman in the war? Were you ever harassed or anything like that?

There were times when some of the nurses and the Red Cross girls would be. The General over in Camp Enari decided that it would be a nice thing to have a couple of nurses come each weekend. They would give us steak, and he thought it was a moral booster for his men. We had to dress up, wear a dress or a skirt and wear heels. Basically, we were to be their entertainment for the weekend. We thought that was horrible because we needed to be back doing what we were there for. It got to a point where people were refusing. Then, we were threatened to be court marshaled if we didn’t go. We had that to contend with. The weekend that I went George Goble was there. He was an entertainer, and his son had been wounded and his son was receiving a Purple Heart. He had flown over to be there when his son got the Purple Heart. He was there with us, and he ate with us. The trailer that we stayed in was next to the trailer that he was in, and he came and talked to us. That was a plus for our weekend. There were guys who tried to make passes, but on the whole they were really pretty much gentlemen. They were just so happy to see what they called a “round eye”, an American.

Did you get treated any different than say a male nurse, or even the GI’s?

Well, not in some things, but it’s really interesting. They had bunkers for the male officers and the enlisted men when under rocket or mortar attacks. But, they didn’t have any for the women. All we could do was role under our bed. Besides that, they had our hoochs up on the top of the hill, and they had a big red cross painted on the top of our hooch. It was like, here we are! There were things like that. Plus we were not allowed to have a weapon. The male officers and the enlisted men had a weapon, but we were not allowed to. We were over-run one night. They ended up getting all the sappers, but when I opened my door the next day, right outside the door was a dead NVA. Had he gotten through the door, my room was the first one. I would have been the first one he would have gotten, and we had nothing to protect ourselves with. They wouldn’t allow women to handle weapons. We also did not get combat pay. Men did, but women didn’t because they said that we weren’t in combat. Pleiku City got renamed “Rocket City” because we got hit so often. It was close to once a day. The day that I left we got hit three times, and I was sure that that was it. You always hear that the last few days, that’s when a lot of people get killed, and we got hit three times, and I was sure that I was not going to get out of there alive. Actually, through the whole thing, I didn’t think that I was going to. I sent a will to my friend in Milwaukee and had her hold it just in case. I didn’t want my parents to be worried.

Do you have anything that you want to tell about?

Well, you do some stupid things. We had a Special Forces team that was in the area, and I started to “date” one of them. You don’t really date when you’re over there. We had a movie theater and you were usually under what they called “red alert” because we got hit so often. If you were on “red alert” anytime you went out you had to wear a flak jacket and helmet. I have some pictures of me with my dress and flap jacket and this helmet on going to the movie theater with this guy. They never played the movie straight through. They would have the second reel first, and then they would have the third, and then first. They never quite got it right, so you never saw the movie from beginning to end. I was dating this Special Forces guy and he had access to a jeep. One night he says, “Come on, let’s go for a ride.” I said, “Well, I will only go if my friend can go along.” My friend Sharon said she would go with me. I had on this bright orange dress, and it had rained and everything was muddy. When we hit some puddles the mud flew up so we were laughing. We had a great time, but the next day it hit you, here you were in the middle of the night, out in this jeep, Vietcong out there and land mines, and a bright orange dress on, and you’re laughing. I never did that again! We had some fun times like that. People’s birthdays were special. We tried to make a cake or something. We went to the mess hall and asked for a cake mix. Well, you know we were thinking “cake mix”, but their supplies are for hundreds of people, and so they gave us huge proportions of things. We got this huge container that we found. We cleaned it out and we started to try to mix it all up and get a little bit out of it to make a cake. So, we did things like that that were really silly.

Did you ever come in contact with any Vietnamese children or civilians?

Yes, we had a lot of the civilians. This woman came in, who was pregnant, and they were real busy in the ER, and we hadn’t gotten patients in surgery yet because they were in the ER waiting to come to surgery. They told to me sit there and watch her. So, I was staying with her. They’re very stoic over there. They don’t make a sound. I thought she was just in early stages of labor because she was just lying there very quiet. Then all of a sudden she made this tinniest little sound, kind of like “umph.” I thought I should check her, and there was the baby. They usually have the children out in the fields when they are working, and they will take a stone and hit the umbilical cord to break it. Then they just tie it and put the baby on their back and go right back working in the fields. That’s how life is over there. They have a lot of children because they usually don’t have very many that last after five years of age because of diseases, their way of life, and lack of food. When you have a patient in, the whole family comes into the hospital. The whole family camps down their hallway. So, it might be the mother, the father, or the child who needs head surgery or is in the medical ward, and the hall is filled with the whole family. They stay there until that person either dies or leaves. They have mats they lay down and sleep on. They bring a couple of pots to do their cooking in and that’s it.

When you saw a patient did you ever feel like you couldn’t do it anymore? Did you feel like you needed to stop?

Early on, probably the first week, probably after I cut off the arm. You learn very early to shut off your emotions. You did such a good job at it that most of us have not been able to bring that back. It’s really hard to try to reverse that once that has happened. So you had to totally shut down that part in order to do your job. You had these GI’s dying, and they are asking you if they’re going to die, and you say, “Oh, heck no, you’re going to be just fine,” and you know that they’re going to die. You have to be able to have a smile on your face. At Christmas, I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, and I took an R&R to the Philippines which turned out to look just like Vietnam.

Was that hard to do at all?

It was real hard. It was real hard. Often you felt like you couldn’t go on, but there was nothing you could do about it.

Did the nurses get anything for it?

After this one big push we had our head nurse put several of us in for a Bronze Star. Then shortly after that she left, and they hadn’t come through yet. When the new head nurse came she was reviewing everyone’s records. She saw that we had been put in for the Bronze Star. She said that only the guys in the fields deserve metals, not someone that was just there doing surgery or just what they were supposed to be doing. So she took them away from us. Then during a rocket attack one night she cut her knee on a cocktail glass, and she accepted the Purple Heart for that, and yet she took all of our medals away.

Did you ever get any medals?

Just the usual ones. If you were there you received a Vietnam Campaign Ribbon.

What was it like when you came home?

I took a delay-in-route. I didn’t come home with the other people.  The people that I knew, all my friends, had been there a week or two earlier than me and they were given drops. So, they got an early out. They got out a month early because they had just made it, but I was on the other side of the time limit. So all my friends that I knew left, and that last month was really hard because I didn’t know anybody. All these new people came (FNG’s) and I lay in my hooch. I was very depressed. That last month was really hard. My parents had never had a vacation and it was their anniversary, so I had saved my money and I sent money to my friend in Milwaukee. She got airline tickets for them, and I met them in Hawaii. That’s another story. All year I saved my money for this trip, and I told my dad not to bring any money along because I wanted to show them the best time. He only brought a hundred dollars or so along. When you first get to Vietnam they take your American money and they change it into what they call MPC ( we called it funny money), then right before you go back they change it back into American money. American money over there was worth lots and lots and lots. I slept with it in my pocket and I went to work with it in my pocket. So, I didn’t leave it around because our mama-sans stole stuff. We had mama-sans working for us. I had one more day so I was just changing my uniform into a clean uniform, and I had just taken my pants off and laid them on the bed. The girl down the hall screamed. I ran down there to see what was going on and all of a sudden we saw mama-san just go tearing out. I went back to my room and she had all of my money. All of my money for the whole year, and all the money I was going to use on the trip. I was going to go island hopping, go to a luau, and have a fancy hotel for my parents. So I slipped on another pair of pants and we going running after her and we were screaming at the MP at the gate to stop her, and he’s going, “What, what?” And she goes running right by. She got all my money. I got to Hawaii and my dad had a hundred dollars or so and that was it. My friend had given me a little bit of money, so I had maybe a couple hundred dollars, that was it. So we ended up in this raunchy hotel, and we couldn’t do half the stuff, but my parents didn’t care. They were just happy that I was coming home and that I was alive. They didn’t care, but all my money! It was probably a good thing that she got away because I really think that if I had caught her I would have strangled her to death. I really do, I really do think I would have killed her. I had a ring stolen and jewelry and different things were stolen. We paid these mama-sans to do some ironing, to wash our clothes. How they washed our clothes was they put them in this tub, put water in, and walked on them and that’s how they washed our clothes. If you had anything good you did it yourself by hand, but not your uniforms. Then we even bought her an ironing board, but they squat to do everything. They sit there and do that, and we had bought our mama-san an ironing board thinking we could make life easier for her. She never even used it. One night they caught all these mama-sans setting up rockets aimed at our hospital. They were all these mama-sans that we were paying, and we found out that they really weren’t South Vietnamese, they were NVA. You couldn’t tell. I was glad that I didn’t work in the emergency room because after so many things were disappearing, the commander said that the nurses in the ER had to do a vaginal test on them. That was how they were getting stuff out. You would not believe what you could get in a vagina!

What kinds of things were stolen?

Well, linen. They got, I don’t know how many sheets out of one woman. Multiple sheets plus she had jewelry, and she had someone’s gun. They have so many kids that they stretch. You would not believe what they found doing vaginal checks. They would steal our stuff and then they would put it on the black market down town. They would sell it. We went through a period of time where we started running out of bandages, so we started ripping up sheets to use for bandages. Our drugs disappeared. We had GI’s die because the drugs they needed were in Pleiku City on the black market. We didn’t have them, they never even made it to us. So we lost GI’s because the drugs were stolen that they needed if they had a cardiac arrest.

What exactly is a mama-san?

A mama-san is a Vietnamese woman paid to do tasks for the unit. We had one who worked in surgery. We really liked her, and she wasn’t one of them who got caught, so we’re hoping that she really was South Vietnamese. She was very good and she was very intelligent. She really learned to put the instrument sets together and autoclave them. She learned to do a lot of things for us. She worked hard.

Were they mostly women?

Yes, there were some men, but mostly women. We had to pay the ones we hired in our hooch out of our own money. Everyone in our hooch got together and we would pay a set amount for doing our uniforms, etc. You worked minimum 12-hour shifts, six days a week. That was your minimum. Like I said, if you see one of those Chinooks you just turned around. If there was a “push” you were there for days, so we didn’t have time to be doing washing and things like that.

Do you remember any unusual incidents on the job?

When you had to shave someone they didn’t have the disposable razors like they have now. They had the straight edge. We had this really bad case and they needed to work on this guy’s head. He had been out in the field for a long time, so he had a big scruffy beard. The anesthetist told me to shave his beard so that he would be able to tube him and have a place to put the tape. I had never used one of those before so the very first sweep I made a big gouge in his cheek. So he wrote down on the chart “first incision made by Lt. Calmes.” Then after the case they gave me a straight edge razor and said to go home and shave my legs. I came to work the next day with Band-Aids everywhere, but I knew how to use one after that.

Did you ever have any patients that just died on the bed?

A lot. I made a lot of trips to the morgue.

What did you have for a morgue?

It was a wooden building they go in to do identification, get cleaned up, and put in black body bags. Then a plane comes and takes them home.

Do they bring them home?

Yes. When we had pushes, we lost a lot of patients. A friend of mine in the hooch had been dating this chopper pilot, and they were engaged. One night he came over and they were going to go out. She wasn’t back from work yet, and I was the only one in the hooch. I had seen him a lot before. We began talking. He had a real sense of humor and he was always cracking jokes and stuff, so we were just yucking it up because he was so funny. The next day, when I got done with work, I noticed outside of the building there was this great big stack of body bags. I had seen them before, but I had never ever in my life gone over and looked at one, and I never did after. For some reason I was drawn over there, and besides the regular stacks there were little ones. They would be from a chopper crash - really burned or something that would be just ashes. There were these three small ones, and I looked down, and there was the chopper pilot’s name. It’s just like time stood still. It seemed like I was standing there for years. I was just in shock. Finally ,I was able to walk away, and I never ever went back again. Then, we had a nurse and she was having so much trouble. She was begging them to send her back to the States because she just couldn’t deal with it. She only had one more month to go, she had already been there eleven months. They should have sent her back, but they refused to send her. One of the corpsmen found her in her room. She had taken an overdose of Darvon, which is a painkiller. It didn’t kill her, she is still alive, but they never could bring her around, and now she’s is a vegetable. That’s how she went home to her parents, a vegetable.

Did that happen a lot, not just to nurses, but others too?

Not too often. On our compound people got into drugs because they were forced to. Corpsmen worked a minimum of 12 hours just like we did, and then they also had to pull guard duty. We had this commander who was an “old timer” and he had been in the “big one,” World War II, and that’s all he ever talked about. He was always making us do things like have our boots shined and wear our Boonie hats, and everything had to be just perfect. This was a war zone, we’re doing all we can to keep people alive. Who’s got time to shine your boots and to worry about everything being perfect? The 4th Division had offered to send some of their guys over to pull guard duty so that the corpsmen could be doing their job. He refused, he said, “We can take care of our own!” These corpsmen either had to start doing their guard duty shift, which is a three-hour-shift, then try to get a little bit of sleep before they went back on duty, or they would have to quick get some sleep, go back to guard duty and then go back to work. They would be so exhausted, so if they had to go on guard duty right away, they would take an upper to stay awake. But if they had to go on second, they would take a downer to try to get some sleep. After a while they would need two, three and it started going up, and pretty soon they were shooting up. It was all because of this idiot who was too proud to accept help from the 4th Division. Our corpsmen got hooked on drugs because of him, because they had to survive. They wouldn’t have been able to do it without some kind of drug. It was not their fault.

Did you try any drugs to stay awake or go to sleep?

No. They would come into surgery sometimes and they would be so high on drugs, and they would think they were super techs then. “We can do anything,” and it was like, “No, you can’t, you’re screwing up here.”  It was really bad. They tried to get me to do marijuana. It’s really strong stuff. The Vietnamese start their babies on marijuana. When they have these newborns they give them a puff of marijuana and that keeps the baby quiet while they’re working in the fields. I have a picture of a little kid (a small boy) with a joint, and he is just a little kid. It is really powerful stuff over there, it’s very strong, but it doesn’t bother them, because from little on they’re raised on it. So to them it’s not strong or anything, but to our guys who aren’t used to it, it’s really powerful. It’s part of their culture. It takes care of pain and things. It keeps the kids quiet.

When you went out of the compound did you ever go to down town Pleiku?

Yes, our address was Pleiku, but the city was a little ways from us. I went down a couple of times. It was interesting. There were Coca-Cola signs and a Shell gas station amongst all the other stuff. But it was dangerous to go there and after awhile, it became off limits.

Was it weird to see what you believed to be a South Vietnamese person, but was actually North Vietnamese?

The mama-sans were, but you never knew. They all look the same. It was frightening. The whole thing was frightening. I really didn’t think I was going to come back alive. Like I said, we got rocketed and mortared so often. I really didn’t think I was going to come back. I didn’t.

Do you suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Yes I have that. I was the first woman to go through the PTSD program at Tomah, and they didn’t know what to do with me. When the fellows go they all stay in this one huge room because they figure that if they wake up with nightmares the other guys are there to talk to them. But they didn’t feel that they could put me in with them. They only had one unit that actually had women veterans, but because they only had one unit in the whole hospital and they got every type of patient, including psych patients, it was a locked ward. So, when I first got there ,they put me on that ward. When my family started walking away and they closed the door and the nurse locked it, and I couldn’t get out, that was horrifying. The room that I was in had two beds and during the night this woman came in that had overdosed and nobody came and checked her all night. So I’m sitting there all night with one eye open making sure that her chest was still going up and down. The guys raised such a stink because they said that I needed to be on the PTSD unit, that it was not a good thing for me to be in a locked ward. They raised such a stink that they moved me over there. Right outside their big room was a supply closet, so they cleaned that out and put a bed in there for me and that was where I slept. Then they didn’t know what to do about showering. The guys had a shower down the hall that was on the alcohol/drug ward. The guys offered to stand guard because they didn’t trust the alcohol/drug patients. They would stand guard while I took a shower. The staff finally decided that they could trust me, so the nurse gave me the key to go down to the nurse’s shower I could shower in there. Then, I found out later that when I applied to go to the program, the head of the hospital just went bananas because he didn’t know why I wanted to come there. Why did a female need to? He didn’t understand why a female would have post-traumatic stress. Why did I want to come, was I a women’s liberator and just trying to cause problems, or did I really need some help? Or what? They didn’t know. So, then they didn’t even know if they should accept me or not. Then they thought if they didn’t accept me I would go to the press. I stayed there, not as long as the guys because they have it down pat what to do with the guys, but they really didn’t know what to do with me. I had the same symptoms as the men, but women think and feel different and my experiences were different than the guys. They never quite knew what to do with me. I got what I could out of the program, and then we mutually agreed that it was time for me to leave.

When was it that you were in there?

December ’82- February ‘83. I have been seeing a counselor until recently. I have been to a program in Minneapolis for VN nurses. There is nothing in the state of Wisconsin for women. So, I had to go to Minnesota, but then that got shut down after three years. I had to stop going to that. There is not a lot out there for the women.

When you came home was it hard for you to get back to the normal routine?

Backing way up, I went to Hawaii, and Lynda Van Devanter did also. We both came back and that’s a big thing over there, coming back and seeing the Golden Gate Bridge. That was the big thing. We had pictures of it up and you looked at it everyday, knowing